Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Not My Natural Glow

I've been a terrible blogger...I know. I'm sorry friends out there. So much has happened since I last posted in June. But one really huge thing happened in August.

I got pregnant.

After 3 IUI's and 2 ectopics, I got pregnant.


And in the right place - not in my tubes.

So here I am. 20w5d pregnant.

I still cannot believe it and often find myself in a state of disbelief. But, its happening. I am having a baby. So, there you have it. Not a natural glow friends, I finally have news.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Thought for today....

I LOVE THIS! Just had to share....
"I see myself attracting only those in harmony with my current intent. And I am getting clearer and clearer in every moment about what it is that I want. It matters not what others are choosing...what is important is that I am pleased with me; and as I see myself, I certainly am."

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Quote of the day & updates...

I don't know about all of you out there, but I know that sometimes powerful quotes help to uplift me and give me some positive direction and focus. So, I figured that when I come across something especially moving, that I would share it. So here goes.....

"My life is unlimited in every respect"

This means so much to me because dealing with IF for the past 2 years has really started to put these huge boundaries up in my life. Friendships, work, happiness - just about everything, has been limited since we have been having trouble conceiving. You know what? I think I'm done with that. Screw you infertility. I'm going to live my life. AND it is going to be awesome. I WILL have fulfilling, meaningful friendships. I WILL pursue my dream and start my own business. I WILL get back to being a healthy person. And I WILL be a mother.

So, speaking of becoming a mother, here is the latest on the baby making front. Mr. B and I are thinking about switching to a new RE. Our current doc has been great getting us through 2 ectopic pregnancies, but we have some concerns. 1) She seemed to rush us through testing and getting on with the first IUI without an actual diagnosis. Now, she's thinking back to things she's seen on prior ultrasounds and whatnot, so the verdict is PCOS all of a sudden. Um, hello...this should have been square ONE. 2)She can be very vague when I question her. It's like pulling teeth to get a clear answer from her. 3) She is closing her Alexandria, VA office which is total bummer for me. I work in Alexandria and she is literally on my way into work in the morning which makes it super convenient for all that 7:30 AM blood work. There are a few other things on the list, but those are major for us. We have an appointment at Shady Grove in Woodbridge next week for a consultation. I am really hoping it works out because this office is close to where we live and would make monitoring a lot less of a headache. The plan is to hopefully have things in line around October for an IVF. Anyone have any feedback on Northern VA Shady Grove? Holla at a sista please.

I'm excited thinking about the future...I'm working on managing my PCOS with diet and exercise, taking a mind/body fertility workshop, and still going to therapy and acupuncture. I'm just going to be persistent with everything and HOPE for the best. My life is unlimited...remember?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hot diggity damn

God has a funny way of showing us things, doesn't he?
Why is it that we don't always want to listen until it is literally staring at you dead in the face...
I learn the hard way...for some reason I have always learned things the hard way. But today, there are a few things that have just suddenly become so crystal clear to me.
I am not normally so openly religious or spiritual. But right now I just have to say "thank you Lord". Thank you for showing me so clearly what I needed to see. I can honestly say right now without a doubt that I know what time it is...I know what I need to do.
And from this moment forward, I am going to be F-O-C-U-S-E-D on getting it done.

Tis all,

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Nothing Exciting

My doctor thinks I have PCOS.
I am now taking Metformin.
Metformin is NOT the business.
I am having my first visit from the most evil bish in the world (yall know who I mean), and it is torture being that it is my first period since February after the ectopic pregnancy.
Nothing much exciting happening with me these days....

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Still Kicking....

Yup, it's official, I'm a terrible blogger. Already...only 4 months in and I'm a freakin' terrible blogger. Umph umph umph. I'm going to do better. Really. I am. Stick with me friends.

So, B and I got back from vacay last night and it was beyond awesome. We were in Punta Cana for an entire week and I can't say enough amazing things about that place. This actually wasn't our first time there; we went on our honeymoon two years ago. We totally relaxed, attended my aunt's beautiful wedding and just had a great time with family. We do this quite often, the whole family vacation thing. Next year (that's right gals, your girl B is a TRUE planner, which makes this whole infertility thing quite ironic - already working on next years family vacay) we are going to Hawaii, so give me your recs on which island we should go to and some fun things to plan.

But on another's Mother's Day. Rough, rough day today. I really don't know what else to say about it. Last year was rough too, but that was before we started seeing our RE and before the IUI's. I guess we were just so hopeful and optimistic that next year (this year) would be our year. And here we are. The feeling on this Mother's Day is so much more painful; knowing what was, and then wasn't, and then what could have been on this day. So here we are. Hoping and praying that next year we'll be able to join in the Hallmark holidays with those close to us.

Although it is difficult, I do hope that all the moms and expecting moms out there had a fabulous day filled with joy and love. And to those of us still's to next year.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Dear Negative Voice Inside....

I'm going to need you to please shut the hell up. Yes, this pregnancy, motherhood thing is going to happen for me one day. I am working very hard at putting myself back together after 2 losses and the last thing I need is you constantly ruining my mood. I'm so over you and so over letting you control who I am. Tis all.


Sunday, March 21, 2010

Why Does This Weekend Have to End?

I actually had a really amazing weekend. My first great weekend in a really long time. B planned us a spa getaway in Williamsburg....he's awesome, I know. I needed it. All the really nice comments helped a lot too...thanks so much for those.

This is SIL's "surprise" (the surprise she's know about since January) shower weekend and he knew I would need to get my mind off of it.
It was great. No school stuff, no work stuff, no laptop, no nothing....just relaxing. I had the most amazing massage everrrrrrrrrr on Saturday morning. We walked around Colonial Williamsburg and laughed like we had just was great.
Sooooo, now back to reality. And boy is it real....We've got a lot going on right now....

  • Counseling appointments
  • Acupuncture appointments
  • Working out plans for vacation
  • Working out plans for our IVF after vacation
  • We are buying a house, debating if we should sell or rent the current house...
  • Oh, and work.

Let the good times roll....

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I'm sorry...

All of my post thus far have been soooo, oh, I don't know....depressing. This is not who I really am. It's like sometimes something just goes off inside me. I keep telling myself it's just a phase...and I'll get through it...eventually.
I promise to perk it up a bit.

Can I get a damn break please?

I need to get over it right? People just don't get it. For fucks sake. Please excuse my french. I am pissed. No, I do not normally talk this way. Sorry if I offended anyone. Really, I'm sorry about the F word.
Just got an email from my SIL. Who is very pregnant. We would be giving birth around the same time, had my first pregnancy with Mr. B not been ectopic. Anyway, got an email from her sharing some online portraits. I should have known right? But instead of trusting my gut, I looked at them. And what do I of her enormous (but effing beautiful) pregnant belly, and her absolutely glowing family.
Can I get a freakin' break please? Or at least a warning via text message or something? Don't just throw them in my damn lap. I mean really. Dear, dear (mentally insane) SIL, you KNOW I have lost 2 pregnancies in the last eight months. Can I get a break please?

Friday, March 5, 2010

Insensitive people make me effing sick.....

I have some realllllllyyyyy insensitive family members. Well, maybe it's just that I am toooo sensitive right now. The baby stuff can really turn your arse into a wimp.
All I have to say about that is thank God that my immediate (and I do mean immediate, very immediate) family is very understanding and compassionate about what me and Mr. B are going through.
On another note (but kind of on the same note) Facebook is like an infertile woman's worst enemy. The constant ultrasound photo's turned profile photo can really make you feel some things. A lot, and I mean A LOT of my friends are FB are expecting. I am super happy and excited for most of them, but it seems like my more extended family will say/post the most insensitive things. I guess now I understand why Mr. B won't add certain people....I may have to take his advice and do some serious deleting to preserve my feelings until I can get over this hump.
I know that I cannot expect everyone out there to not post certain things or watch what they say just because of ME, but I'm just sayin' that I would be more sensitive for them.
Now really on another note, we had an AH-MAZ-ING time at the concert Wednesday night. It was the most fun I've had literally, in months. Thanks for the tickets my secret know exactly who you are. And, if you are reading this and you are into hip-hop and have never seen Jay-Z me, you NEED to get on that.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Too Many Emotions

Wow...I feel like my head and heart are going to explode. Sooooo many emotions over the past week. I guess I'll get the hang of this blogging thing soon and update more regularly....But last week was pretty crazy and this week is off to a hectic start too.

Anyway, I am a godmother! I'm soooo excited about it, but its bittersweet too. She (my goddaughter) is an absolute doll and I'm so happy that she is here safe and sound. But every time I look down at here all I can think about is my own situation. Am I a crazy, selfish person? Sometimes that's how I feel. Initially, when my cousin (the 18 year old) asked me to be her godmother I was unsure about it. But I just focused on putting my own situation aside and thought of how huge a blessing it is to be asked something like that. Maybe God is trying to tell me something....who knows. But anyway, I just love her to pieces and I'm so excited about having a relationship with her. Mr. B thinks she is an absolute doll too, and she is actually the first infant he has ever held. Almost brought tears to my eyes...again, thinking about him becoming a dad one day.

Went to acupuncture for the first time a few days ago and I have to say it was pretty awesome. The acupuncturist was very nice and told me that he has had several women become pregnant after treatment with him. Of course, this is great news that I will try to keep planted in the front of my mind when the time for IVF rolls around. It was super hard for me to relax, but towards the end of the session my mind calmed down a bit and I was able to close my eyes and relax. I guess with more sessions I will get the hang of it. Can't wait to go back.

Not much happening on the whole baby making front for us. We are taking a forced 3 month break after the ectopic and methotrexate shot. I guess its good and I shouldn't be too bummed about it. In this 3 month time frame, I'm hoping to loose some weight, focus on Mr. B and enjoy my vacation to the Dominican Republic on May 1st.

Nothing really eventful happening around here. OH! I am going to a concert tomorrow night that I am super excited about. Jay-Z, Trey Songz and some other R&B / Hip Hop folks....can't wait. More soon.....

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Week From Hell

I can't believe it's been a week since I've logged on...I've wanted to write, but this has been the craziest week ever.
It started off pretty uneventful, but then got hairy after yet another trip to the ER on Tuesday night. Ahhhh, that's right. Just how I wanted to spend my Fat the freakin' ER getting sutures after a truly unfortunate incident involving myself, my puppy, and my damn eye. Yup, my e-y-e. I looked like Buster Douglas and it was awful. I don't even want to get into exactly what happened because its too damn embarrassing.
Sooooo, here's the run down of the week:
Monday = well, Monday. Nuff said.
Tuesday night = ER
Wednesday = no work, because again, I was too embarrassed to be seen.
Thursday = Uncle's funeral.
Friday = Real Estate Management course, alllllllllll day long in a DC conference room with no windows. Fun.

On the whole baby/ectopic pregnancy front, not much has happened. My betas are going down slowly but surely and I'm just hoping to not have to get another methotrexate shot. Next week will be the true test depending on how those numbers look. Other than that....nada. When this whole thing is over, I'm really going to focus on getting myself together. Eating better, working out more and really taking care of me. I go to acupuncture on Monday (YAY!) and I'm also going to my PCP for a referral to see a therapist. So, moving right along....

Sunday, February 14, 2010

I almost forgot!

Happy Valentines Day!
I'm sure my day will be uneventful, we didn't plan anything since I wasn't sure how I would feel after my latest methotrexate shot. So I will be cleaning and taking care of things around the house...dreading going back to the office tomorrow.
Anyway, have a fabulous day of love all!

Who would have thunk it?

Sometimes I cannot believe I am here. My mother got pregnant with me at 16! Sixteen, I say! I never thought I would have problems conceiving. Until I met my husband, I didn't even know that desire even existed in me. I spent most of my young adult and adult years trying so hard not to get pregnant. And now, here I am...wandering through this world of infertility aimlessly. Before B and I started TTC, I listened to so many people talk about the irony of preventing pregnancy for so long...and then when that time comes and all you want is to be a parent, you wait and wait, and wait some more. Ahhhhh, the irony of it all. Makes me want to puke I tell you.

So again, here I am. Blogging...I cant freakin' believe it, BLOGGING about my experience so far. The thrill of deciding to stop BC. The WTF moments when AF arrives month after month. And the heartache. Oh, the heartache. The hardest part for me. Well actually, jealousy and bitterness have been the hardest part for me. But it's all cause of the heartache. Conceiving on your first IUI for it to be an ectopic...conceiving again on your third IUI, for it to AGAIN be ectopic. This is my definition of heartbreak.

I'm excited about this blogging experience. A chance to let my feelings out and maybe get some feedback. Not many people know that B (oh, B is my hubby) and I are dealing with this. Is it crazy that I don't want the people in our lives to know all our bidness regarding this? I just can't deal with all the questions and constant "checking in". I suppose I just need an outlet. Please excuse my rambling. My thoughts are everywhere. This is the case 99% of the time. I'm a thinker, a worrier (and possibly suffering from serious adult ADD) and it's going to come out however it comes to me.

Infertility has changed me. I am no longer that ridiculously confident woman. Instead, I am sad and closed off. I find it very hard to be happy for others since I experienced my first loss and I hate that. Right now, my SIL is pregnant with her second child, who is due around the same time my first baby would have been due. Seeing pictures of her pregnant belly and hearing about her pregnancy woes makes me literally nauseous. But I am deep down happy for her because I know that having two kids is exactly what shes always wanted. Also pregnant right now is my 18 year old cousin. Mmmmmmm hmmmmm, 18...with no damn job or direction in life. Nuff said about that situation.

Maybe there is a lesson here for me....I'm sure there is and I'm trying to accept that. Trying to stay positive, trying to block out the stupid comments of those more fertile than I, and trying to become that confident person that I used to be. I want to get back to the point where I can say, yes, I'm Young, Black and Infertile, but I'm still Young, Black and Fabulous.

So here we go...B and I have been at this since November 2008. We have decided to move on to IVF. I feel like until now has been merely child's play. Let the big gal games begin.