Sunday, February 14, 2010

Who would have thunk it?

Sometimes I cannot believe I am here. My mother got pregnant with me at 16! Sixteen, I say! I never thought I would have problems conceiving. Until I met my husband, I didn't even know that desire even existed in me. I spent most of my young adult and adult years trying so hard not to get pregnant. And now, here I am...wandering through this world of infertility aimlessly. Before B and I started TTC, I listened to so many people talk about the irony of preventing pregnancy for so long...and then when that time comes and all you want is to be a parent, you wait and wait, and wait some more. Ahhhhh, the irony of it all. Makes me want to puke I tell you.

So again, here I am. Blogging...I cant freakin' believe it, BLOGGING about my experience so far. The thrill of deciding to stop BC. The WTF moments when AF arrives month after month. And the heartache. Oh, the heartache. The hardest part for me. Well actually, jealousy and bitterness have been the hardest part for me. But it's all cause of the heartache. Conceiving on your first IUI for it to be an ectopic...conceiving again on your third IUI, for it to AGAIN be ectopic. This is my definition of heartbreak.

I'm excited about this blogging experience. A chance to let my feelings out and maybe get some feedback. Not many people know that B (oh, B is my hubby) and I are dealing with this. Is it crazy that I don't want the people in our lives to know all our bidness regarding this? I just can't deal with all the questions and constant "checking in". I suppose I just need an outlet. Please excuse my rambling. My thoughts are everywhere. This is the case 99% of the time. I'm a thinker, a worrier (and possibly suffering from serious adult ADD) and it's going to come out however it comes to me.

Infertility has changed me. I am no longer that ridiculously confident woman. Instead, I am sad and closed off. I find it very hard to be happy for others since I experienced my first loss and I hate that. Right now, my SIL is pregnant with her second child, who is due around the same time my first baby would have been due. Seeing pictures of her pregnant belly and hearing about her pregnancy woes makes me literally nauseous. But I am deep down happy for her because I know that having two kids is exactly what shes always wanted. Also pregnant right now is my 18 year old cousin. Mmmmmmm hmmmmm, 18...with no damn job or direction in life. Nuff said about that situation.

Maybe there is a lesson here for me....I'm sure there is and I'm trying to accept that. Trying to stay positive, trying to block out the stupid comments of those more fertile than I, and trying to become that confident person that I used to be. I want to get back to the point where I can say, yes, I'm Young, Black and Infertile, but I'm still Young, Black and Fabulous.

So here we go...B and I have been at this since November 2008. We have decided to move on to IVF. I feel like until now has been merely child's play. Let the big gal games begin.


  1. Well put! Sheesh if the stories of the Infertile don't tend to mirror. I wish you all the best, and some peace along the journey!

  2. Thanks for following Mrs. Tiye....I soooo love reading The Broken Brown Egg!!